Saturday, January 31, 2015

Precious To The God of All Comfort

The Lord, at times, seems it best that His children walk through the valley of the shadow, and it is there that I have found myself the past many months.

Many times I have opened up a new, blank page for a blog post and yet, my thoughts & feelings were felt too deeply to be written into words... and I was petrified of those words being attacked. And so, I remained silent to the online world. (And that was okay, really.)

I confess that my personal, hand-written journal (that no one else sees) has been quite dark and full of doubtful wonderings at the goodness of God. I dare not let anyone read of my soul struggles, or else they may find themselves shocked as such low pits of discouragement I have been in.

I cannot tell you the story or how it all began, but one Sunday afternoon I received a phone call. "Let me just tell you, I think you're [...] crazy and you clearly have [...] issues."

Such comments couldn't have been more false, and yet, being a deep feeler & sensitive soul, I retreated in deep hurt, and as I hid in hurt, everyone who I loved & trusted seemed to walk away in silent indifference. Why were some of my best friends - those who I thought I could trust the most - walk away? All the while, the Deceiver whispered, "God took all your friends & all those you loved deeply away, because you are failure. You obviously have issues. No one likes you. You're a big fat failure who is only capable of messing things up."

To mask the deep pain and sorrow, when I bumped into people at church and my workplace, and they asked me how I was, I could only say with a half smile, "Oh, alright. I'm taking one day at a time." If I had been brutally honest, I would've said I was crumbling into a million pieces on the inside, everyone seemed to despise me and God seemed so very far away.

I could relate to Job by speaking of his so called 'friends,' "How long will you torment me and break me in pieces with your words?" (19:2) Or in Job 16:2, he says, "miserable comforters are you all."

During the last year, there have been moments when all I could do was fall to my knees in gushing tears, crying out to the Lord for His help & mercy and other times, when I felt as though I was in a fog and didn't feel anything at all.

I suppose all I'm saying tonight is that I am human... very human. I don't have it all together. Sometimes the pain in life is real, raw, and just THERE.

We don't have the promise that our pain & hardship will vanish tomorrow, but thank the Lord that we have His promise that we will pass through. In Isaiah 43, we read such comforting words, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."

It's okay to grieve. It is real, and God SEES. He knows. In Hebrews 4:15, he says, "For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are." The Lord knows what it is to be forsaken in time of deep grief and sorrow. One verse that the Lord gave to me so many times over the course of the last year, and one that I held tightly was Psalms 23:4,

"Yea, though I walk through the valley... I will fear no evil: for thou art with me."

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