Thursday, July 19, 2012

Yet Will I Trust Him

It's been a season of coming home at 9 o'clock, and eating a bowl of cereal for dinner. I'm so tired, I fumble with the cereal box, it tips over and cereal spills all over. My basement apartment has dead spiders on the floor and live ones crawling on the walls (and it's driving me crazy)  but there's been no time to vacuum. All I want to do is cry in exhaustion.

I lay my head on my pillow, knowing that in six hours the alarm clock with buzz again and all I can do is cry myself to sleep.

"I know this sounds horrible to say so, but I feel like God's forgotten me."
A sister encourages, "Oh, if I were you, I'd just cry out to God. Earnestly pray."
"But truthfully, I don't feel like God cares. I know He said He does, but it doesn't feel like it."

I am in the midst of learning what it means to have FAITH that rises above my feelings. I must cling to Christ for my soul strength. I so often pray that I would know what it means to live in the reality that Christ is my sufficiency, yet when the storms of life rage against my soul, I wonder what on earth God is doing. The truth of it is, these storms and wilderness experiences are there to prove to me that God's promises in His Word are faithful & true. It's in the worst of times that you & I can see that His promises prevail, though all else does not.

My Shepherd has so wisely led thus far, my Pilot has safely navigated to today... why would the Lord fail in the future?

Lord, give me a faith like Job that says, "Though He ______, yet will I trust Him."


"Frodo: I can't do this, Sam. Sam: I know... we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you - that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. ...Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. There's some good... and it's worth fighting for."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers


Anonymous said...

He will never leave you or forsake you. You.are.his.
He loves you.
Every moment that you feel your faith failing, just stop satan right there, and tell your jesus to help you feel his presence and to remind you that he is there. Every minute

Anonymous said...

Oh Leah, *hugs* and praying for you!
"I am in the midst of learning what it means to have FAITH that rises above my feelings."

I had to learn that this year too. Faith is stronger and more powerful than how I feel. Jesus is more real than we can comprehend! He is there for you and will always love you.

I encourage you to ignore your feelings and just soak up God's Truth!

Abby said...

Oh, I can relate to this! I too have walked the deep valley of fear and doubt, and I feel like I am just now into the sunlight.

I have learned the truth of Chambers' statement that "faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time." And it's the not-understanding part that is so hard, when your faith feels like but a wisp that will be blown away with the next wind and all you can pray is "why, God? Why?"

Hold on to Him, Leah. Hold on. Hold on to the faith that one day it will all make sense. Because there IS purpose, I promise you that. Through my darkest nights, that was all I held on to sometimes, knowing that if I let go of that hope I would be lost. Not to say everything is clear now. But I have been granted a glimmering of purpose, and somehow the Whys are easier to bear, knowing that.